Struggling with a Loss

On October 23 my friend Franco passed away. I have been struggling with processing this loss. We were really close from around our middle school years until around our early twenties. We didn't have a falling out. We mostly just lost touch of each other over the years. Our interactions eventually became a few messages here and there on social media.

I'm having issues with processing this loss because I feel like I don't deserve to mourn his loss. We have mutual friends who were closer to him in later years. I feel like they earned the right to mourn him more than I did. It sounds odd, I know. It feels odd for me as well. I feel huge sadness, but at the same time, I feel like: do I deserve to feel sad?

Recently, a friend of mine from that time whom I am closer to now called to see if I was okay after learning Franco passed away. He said, "I know you two were close." I remember replying something like that we were close when we were younger, but not so much recently. He said something in response that I'm still thinking over nearly a week and a half later, "That doesn't take away from the fact that you were friends. Everything you guys went through together still happened."

I'm sorry if this doesn't make a lot of sense. I'm still trying to make sense of things myself. I suppose it all comes down to this: How do I honor my friend, without feeling like I am overstepping? Not sure I'll ever get an answer. I'll update this post at a later time if I ever figure things out.

988 - Help is available

Trigger Warning: Suicide 

For those of you who didn't know, last week was National Suicide Prevention Week. This has always been a touchy subject for me. I have had the misfortune of knowing quite a few people who tragically took their own lives since my teen years. As I got older, this number has shrunk, but unfortunately, has not completely gone away. I was reminded of this fact just today.

Like many previous years, this year I have been supporting the efforts to raise awareness about this subject in my community. I am absolutely in awe of the work being done by One FC Champion Angela Lee through her non-profit Fightstory. There are a many others who are also doing great work. Sometimes I wonder if supporting the various non-profits and such is enough, and then days like today remind me that this fight is far from over.

I was just informed that my wife's coworker and friend took her own life this morning. Due to the nature of their work, I cannot give her name or what she did. I can say that she was a bright, wonderful, and caring young woman. She had just moved, and was moving up in the world in her work. It seemed like she had everything going for her. I honestly cannot think of a time when I saw her not smiling. But that's just it, isn't it? We never really know what's going on in someone's life. We never really know what they are thinking. We never fully know what anyone is going through.

I just want to take a moment to say if this is you, please talk to someone. If you’re struggling, I want you to know it’s okay to share your feelings. To start, you could copy one of these pre-written messages from the International Association of Suicide Prevention and send it to a trusted contact:

Reach out: When you get a chance can you contact me? I feel really alone and suicidal, and could use some support.

Contact a loved one: I don’t want to die, but I don't know how to live. Talking with you may help me feel safe. Are you free to talk?

Express your feelings: This is really hard for me to say but I’m having painful thoughts and it might help to talk. Are you free?

Check in: I’m struggling right now and just need to talk to someone — can we chat?

I promise I would rather receive any of these messages instead of a message to tell me another person is gone. You could also call/text/message the suicide lifeline. Please talk to someone. Seek help. The world is a better place with you in it. You are enough. You matter. I love you. There are better days coming. It may not seem like it now, but tomorrow is a new day, with new possibilities. Please hold on.